My Traumatic yet Beautiful Birthing Experience

I remember that as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I gathered all the information I could on pregnancy and giving birth. I wanted to be able to make the best birth choices for my baby, and according to my research, that meant attempting a vaginal birth with little to no medical intervention. One statistic I came across is that inductions increase the chances of a c section delivery. It was easy for me to gloss over this statistic, until I was induced and became living proof of it.

The estimated due date of Wolf was December 25, 2016. Yes, he was God’s Christmas gift to us! One week before Christmas, my cervix was still closed. Our ob gyne, Dr. Angela Aguilar, said that if I didn’t go into labor within the week, I would be induced on the 26th. I had read about inductions possibly leading to c sections and so I really wanted to avoid being induced if possible. But at that last check-up, Wolf was already quite big, and so waiting past the due date would decrease the chances of him fitting through my pelvic area. I decided to agree to induction on the 26th while still praying that it wouldn’t come to that. The whole week prior to Christmas day, I walked as much as I could to encourage Wolf to descend. During our Christmas dinner on the 25th, my father, who is an ENT surgeon and the one who recommended his friend Dr. Aguilar, took one look at me and said, “Oh, he’s still high up.” My heart sank.

pregnant full term on Christmas Eve
With my sisters on Christmas Eve
pregnant full term with family on Christmas
Christmas Dinner on the 25th

On the 26th, I waited all morning for a sign that I was approaching active labor, but I felt nothing. Accepting defeat, I got ready to go to the hospital. I cried in the shower so my husband wouldn’t realize how scared I was. Although extremely anxious, at the back of my mind, I still believed I would deliver normally.

St. Luke's hospital selfie before labor
The Calm Before the Storm

I was admitted in the afternoon of December 26. Wolf came out via c section at 11:49 pm on December 27. I experienced 33 hours of labor, with no anesthesia for the first 24 hours. I wanted to get through the whole labor without pain medication, but because I was induced, the contractions came hard and fast. I knew that these contractions were medically triggered. They were not naturally initiated by my body. This awareness made it extremely difficult for me to accept and overcome the pain. As each contraction pummeled through my body, I kept thinking, “What if it’s not meant to be this strong or this frequent? What if my body would have timed this differently?” 

After 24 hours, I was exhausted and my baby’s station was not progressing. I realized at that point that I needed to request for anesthesia so I could get a small reprieve, because if I continued without any, sure, I would be able to say that I experienced the full pain of childbirth, but I would not have had any energy left to care for my baby. At that point, I believed that requesting for an epidural was the best for Wolf.

Dr. Aguilar approved of my decision to get an epidural midway, because it gave her the freedom to increase the dosage of the contraction-inducing pitocin without worrying about me being in pain. My husband told me that the nurses said Dr. Aguilar held the record at St. Luke’s Global for the highest number of normal deliveries, and so I was confident she would do her best to avoid cutting me open. She continued increasing the intensity and frequency of induced contractions, but Wolf just wouldn’t go down! At one point his heart rate began to drop due to the stress of the contractions. Finally, she told us that it was time to stop trying, citing failure of descent as the reason for opting for a c section. I was devastated. 

At 11 in the evening, I was wheeled into the operating room and prepped for surgery. I shivered uncontrollably as the doctors transferred me to the operating table. They kept asking me if I were cold. I wasn’t. I was in shock and holding back my tears. I never thought I would actually deliver via CS. My mom delivered me and my sisters normally. My older sister delivered normally. I felt like a failure.

I had read countless accounts of moms describing the rush of joy they felt when they saw their babies for the first time. I did not feel it. What I did feel, as I heard Wolf’s first cry, was extreme exhaustion and nausea as I slipped in and out of consciousness. My husband was not even able to get a proper family picture of the three of us in the operating room because I was so groggy.

husband cuts umbilical cord
Casey cut the umbilical cord, guided by our awesome OB, Dr. Angge Aguilar. ❤️
newborn is cleaned in delivery room
The newborn Wolf, bloated with IV fluid and squinting at the world!

My first birthing experience was definitely traumatic. It was terrible. But it was also beautiful. It may have been really different from how I had hoped it to be, but amid all my disappointment were moments of pure love. The contractions may have been artificially induced, but my husband’s constant encouragement was genuine. With every surge of pain, I felt Casey’s hands knead my back, I heard him remind me to breathe, and I saw his eyes well up as he comforted me.

husband with newborn at St. Luke's hospital
This is just one of the many photos Casey had with Wolf while I was stuck in the recovery room. 😞
mother resting with newborn after giving birth
Resting in our room after the grueling labor

I may not have delivered the way I hoped to deliver. Even weeks after the birth, I was miserable and frustrated. Although looking back, I beat myself up over the method of delivery, but what I needed to realize and appreciate is that without the option of a c section, my baby’s health may have been compromised. I certainly was not expecting a c section, and that is why I was not prepared for it and got traumatized. But it was a c section that kept me and my baby safe and healthy. I am thankful I had a successful birth. It was tough, it was the very opposite of what I had hoped and prayed for, but it was the best for Wolf, and that’s what matters most.

newborn at St. Luke's hospital in Aden + Anais teal swaddle
Baby Wolf, Day 1 ❤️

4 thoughts on “My Traumatic yet Beautiful Birthing Experience

  1. You look at Wolfie every day and you “forget” the pain and the trauma … it was/is all worth it. 25 years later, I still feel the same way when I look at Catee and remember giving birth to her. And, yes, 25 years later I still think it was worth all the pain. After 12 hours of labour, my OB (napaka-guapo pa naman) insisted that I have an epidural already not for me “because I know you can bear the pain forever but your child is showing signs of fetal stress already”. I gave birth, the doctor handed her to Binky in a flurry of activity because I went into preeclampsia, They had to call the anaesthesiologist back and, according to the attending nurse I “gave them such a scare because we almost lost you there”.I look at Catee every day and still feel it was all worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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